Jason Gilbert Giambi was born to the proud parents Zeus and Metis on January 8, 1971 in Metropolis, Illinois. At birth, he was over six feet tall and weighed 235 pounds. He immediately ran out of the hospital and found a little league game going across the street. The coach didn't want to let him play because he was too big, but then Zeus came out from the hospital with a birth certificate showing that Giambi was less than an hour old and demanded that they let him play. The umpire looked in the rulebook for some height or weight restriction, but finding nothing, was forced to overrule the coach and allowed Giambi to come up to the plate for his first ever at bat. The bases were loaded and it was the bottom of the ninth. The pitcher threw two strikes right down the center of the plate but Giambi didn't swing. He wanted to make it interesting. Finally, he took his first swing on the third pitch and crushed it out of the park, past the parking lot, through an open window, and into the very same hospital room he was born in just minutes before. And, thus, Jason Giambi's legend as a master of the grand slam began.
Jason's childhood was a happy one. His parents would often take him along with his brother Jeremy and sister Athena to the ocean to go fishing. On one such trip when he was six-years-old, Giambi caught a sperm whale. He begged his parents to let him take it home as a pet. Finally, they agreed. He named the pet whale Moby Dick. Throughout childhood, Jason Giambi and Moby Dick were inseparable friends. Most of the other children were intimidated by Jason's 235 pound stature and his impressive facial hair, but Moby Dick didn't mind. He was just happy that Jason had brought him into captivity where people couldn't chase him anymore.
As all children do, Jason Giambi soon grew from a boy into a young man. He broke every high school baseball record in the State of Illinois during his freshman year. Feeling that baseball alone wasn't enough of a challenge, he decided to also focus on football, track, cross country, wrestling, boxing, badminton, tennis, lacrosse, soccer, ping pong, cheerleading, rugby, cricket, croquet, water polo, polo, synchronized swimming, diving, basketball, and hockey. He broke every record for all those sports during his sophomore year. At that point, the governor became worried that no one would ever be able to break another record in high school sports in the state of Illinois, so he traveled to Metropolis and awarded Giambi an honorary diploma, making him ineligible to compete in high school athletics any longer.
Unfortunately, the honorary diploma also prevented him from attending any more high school classes and so Jason decided to go to college. It was only then that he discovered that the honorary diploma was not enough to meet the prerequisites for any of the big state schools with adequate baseball programs. So, he spent a couple years at a community college just north of Portland, then decided to move up to Fairbanks, Alaska where he became a first baseman for the Alaska Goldpanners.
Talent like Jason Giambi's doesn't stay hidden for long, even in Alaska. The Oakland A's got wind of the young phenom and drafted him in 1992. They left him in the farm system for a few years because of a mixup in paperwork, but eventually he made it to the majors and quickly became the greatest player to ever swing a bat. Like so many other great ball players, he migrated east and made Yankee Stadium his home. He continues to shatter major league records and, in the evenings, fights crime throughout the five boroughs. He remains close to his family, especially Jeremy (who tries to be like Jason so hard, but just isn't as good). In 2003, Jason was knighted by the Queen of England. Then, in 2004, he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. And, in 2007, he was canonized as Saint Giambi by the Roman Catholic Church. He plans to run for president in 2012 after retiring from baseball and being inducted into the hall of fame.